Funny Friday

I needed to laugh a little today so I pulled out today's paper to read the PunchLine section. I am so glad that I did because laughed out loud with a few of the jokes. Today the paper decided to put lines that Southerns would never say and then lines that Northerners would never say. Most of you know that I am originally from Ohio and then moved to Tennessee for college and now reside in North Georgia (right across the TN state line). Having lived now both in the North and the South, I can see that there is such truth in every statement that was in the paper. Here is what it said:

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Here are some things you'll NEVER hear a true Southerner say:

* I'll take Shakespeare for 1,000, Alex.

* Duct tape won't fix that.

* Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.

* I thought Graceland was tacky.

* Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.

* We don't keep firearms in this house.

* You can't feed that to the dog.

* Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

* Who's Jeff Gordon?

* Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

* I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

* Trim the fat off that steak.

* Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

* The tires on that truck are too big.

* Unsweetened tea tastes better.

* I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

* Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

* Checkmate.

* Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen!

* I don't have a favorite college team.

* What?! Park in my front yard? How tacky!

* I think okra tastes so much better steamed. Don't you?

* Cracker Barrel again?!

* If I have to watch those race cars go around that track ONE more time...

* Honey, I can't decide what I want to rent tonight - should we get this National Geographic video or My Dinner with Andre?

* OK, OK, the Civil War is OVER and we LOST...let's just get over it!

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Okay, now here are some things you'll NEVER hear a true Northerner say:

* "Yes, Ma'am. Thank you very much."

* I haven't been bowling all week!

* I already have too many black turtleneck sweaters and chocolate brown jackets.

* Amen.

* I'm in no hurry. Let me put on some coffee and we'll chat awhile.

* Don't the magnolia trees in my backyard smell wonderful?

* I'm so glad to be back from my visit to the South. People are so much nicer here.

* Y'all look like you might be lost. May I help?

* Oh, Mom! You must be outrageously angry if you used a bad word.

* I see you are only buying three items. Why don't you go in front of me?

* It's no bother. It's just good old Yankee hospitality.

* Oh, I don't want to be pretentious. I'll take whatever you have to offer.

* We would never eat it all ourselves, so we brought you some squash, tomatoes and beans from our garden.

* We were just out for a stroll and saw the lights and decided to stop by and say hello.

* Snow day!

* OK, so maybe we have accents, too.
* Honey, have you seen my white cotton socks? I absolutely refuse to go out in shorts with dark socks on!

* Howdy!

* Pass the butter beans, please.

* May I please have more grits?

* I'm fixin' to go to the store. Do y'all want anything?